11 months have passed

Saying Kaddish every day for 11 months was extremely hard. It was hard to go and do it and it was hard when I couldn't and I missed it

I am relieved that this stage of mourning is over, although a year has not passed and in every other way I am still in official mourning according to Jewish tradition--and will be in personal mourning I am sure for some time.

But I am also doing much better. To honor my father's memory and officially conclude 11 months of saying Kaddish I organized a service at my apartment for Friday night. I had 16 friends over and I led the Mincha service in my father's honor. We then had a musical Kabalat Shabbat that my father would have loved and Eitan led Maariv--for the first time since his Bar Mitzvah.

It was really beautiful and a meaningful way to conclude this stage.

Below is the short speech I gave after Mincha.

My siblings and I talk about how eloquent of a storyteller my father was and how he was able to help us to know the family we never got to meet in intimate and beautiful ways.

My father lost his own father when he was just a little older than I am now, and that same year, one of his best friends - my mother’s brother.  Through my father’s stories I felt I knew these two men and learned from them - without ever meeting them.

My father would talk about his childhood and make it come to life for us. My cousins all loved speaking with my father and hearing about their own fathers. He was so adept at connecting with people and helping them connect to their own stories or find their own stories.

I myself am not a storyteller- but what I am is a feeler - I feel very deeply and I hope by sharing my feelings with you I can provide insight into who my father was.

I always felt special and important - because my father made sure to make me feel that way. If I was learning something he didn’t know he would learn it too - so he could understand it and support it. My father did not grow up observant and for his own Bar Mitzvah he just memorized the service - but for my brother’s Bar Mitzvah he learned the trope so he could help him practice and then he read from the Torah for the first time that year as well. When I joined the volleyball team he learned to play volleyball, when I was learning Navi in school - he read the entire Navi that year. He was always learning and engaging in the things that interested us and therefore interested him.

My father was also very competitive but not just at things he was good at- he would learn it and become good at it. My sisters and I are ridiculously good at SET - it's a card game. My father was not that good at it --- at first, but then he spent time playing on his own so he could compete with us - ties still “always go to the father.” but he was good enough to play with us. He also was a good sport - he taught us how to compete but then how to win and lose graciously.

My father did not go to Jewish day school but he was always thirsting to learn more and in his honor I thought I would share some simple words of Torah.

The tradition of saying Kaddish began after the tradition for male mourners to lead a service. The leading of a service was a way to honor one’s parent after their passing and it is encouraged that even for someone who does not know how to lead to learn to lead during the year of mourning. The Kaddish Yatom was began for younger sons and daughters who were not yet Bar Mitzvahed to have an outlet and a way to connect with their parent. I have felt connected to Kaddish this year for this reason but because my father was a lifelong learner I wanted to learn and do something new in his honor. I have a led a service once before but this was my first time leading mincha. I am honored you all came and appreciate your presence.

I am so thankful when I look around and recognize that most of the people here are people I met this year. You all chose to be my friend during the most painful and challenging time in my life. During a time when my social skills have been minimal or non-existent - when my emotions are always at the tipping point. I have seen myself become angry when I had no reason or right or sad when it is uncomfortable or hard and the people here have sat with that and accepted it.

I appreciate and thank those of you here who have been my friend before my father passed of course as well - those of you who knew the connection I had with him and have supported and understood my grief in unique ways.

I thank my Eitan. I have never formally thanked Eitan in public and he completely deserves public recognition. Eitan has endured and supported a lot this year. He has held me while I cried so hard it was hard to breath, he understood and ignored anger from me that was unprovoked and undeserving, he helped me succeed in graduate school by reading my papers when I felt I just could not think anymore, made my lunches when I was extra busy and made most of our shabbat meals this year.

I also never formally thanked my Eitan for how he supported and understood my family. During shiva Eitan must have taken out the garbage at least ten times each day, brought my mother and my siblings and I water every hour - just to make sure we were drinking enough, and was there when he needed and wanted him and away when we needed to just be us. He lifted me up this year and has been patient while I have healed. He reminds me of my father - who my mother said never got to fully mourn the loss of his best friend because he held her while she mourned her brother.

I will always look back and hate this past year and a half -- I will think of it as the year my father got sick without warning and for no reason and as the year I had to learn to be an adult without the support of my father. But I will also look back and love and appreciate this year - I got engaged this year to the love my life and I got a new niece and nephew and  I met all of you and for that I am so thankful.

Shabbat Shalom

Yitgadal V'Yitgadash...

Until a person has said Kaddish it is incomprehensible what it means to publicly mourn for a loved one. Depending on, and being held and comforted by a community, is important and also frustrating.

Since I have begun this meditative journey of honoring my father once daily in the form of asking for his neshama to have an aliyah, I have experienced comfort, sadness, anger, embarrassment, and shame.

Taking a moment every day to honor this man who was my guiding light for so long supports my healing in a profound and deep way. Quietly saying, or when I am feeling strong, loudly asserting - yitgadal... allows me to feel connected with my father. I am given a moment where I can quietly speak with my father and tell him "I am thinking about you - and I remembering".

It is during this time - I also feel deeply sad. I feel deeply sad about how young I am and reflect on everything my father is missing. I think about my plans for my wedding and what it will mean that he wont be there - to walk me down the aisle, give me a bracha during the cocktail hour, and have one simple dance with me. I get sad when I look around the synagogue and see the other three young people saying Kaddish with me. Four of us - under 35 saying Kaddish for a parent - who died much, much too young.

I get angry at the lack of respect. I feel red-hot anger when I open my mouth to say Kaddish and the women sitting directly behind me in synagogue cannot pause their conversation to support me and honor my father along with me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that in an orthodox and learned community I am not granted the quiet of 30 seconds to meditate in peace. I reflect on other spaces I say Kaddish on a weekly basis. At the ARK - where I work - the clients who pray with me - despite the infinite challenges in their lives and their cognitive impairments and emotional struggles - they offer so much more respect - than the three women sitting behind me in shul - who must finish their conversation about makeup and restaurants.

I feel my own shame - when I miss a service - when I am too tired - too busy - or simply too sad - to walk over to shul on a Monday at 9PM. Or ashamed when I know I have already prayed but I get "reminded" to attend services.

Mourning is so incredibly personal - but Jewish tradition - demands we also mourn in public ways - acknowledging our pain for our communities. I frequently cry through the words of Kaddish - or choke on a sentence.

But I also feel held and comforted by my community and by saying my words with those around me who understand and are also mourning their loved ones.

But right here - I implore those reading - be quiet when someone is saying Kaddish - listen when someone is chanting those words - and remember the person saying them is in deep pain and they feel - a lot - every minute of the day - not just during those words - but on the walk over to shul - while they laugh and drink a beer with a friend - or even as the cuddle and hug their baby - those of us saying Kaddish are morning - and so during those 30 seconds embrace us - hold us and honor our need to meditate and honor the person we have lost.

A lot has happened in a year

My year in Chicago started out so bright and exciting but as the year progressed - the challenge of living with so many people, on top of a high stress job, the tough winter and being away from home began weighing on me. I found myself, despite many good things happening in my life, sinking into a dark place.

I fought back and just when I thought I had my footing on my happiness and believed I had begun taking back control of my mental health and my life I got the worst news that would ultimately change my life in the most profound and awful way.

Four months ago my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and less than two months ago he passed away.

I promised many people I would chronicle my experience with AVODAH through the written word and though my blog. But with the challenges I faced throughout the year I did not wish to disclose my struggles to anyone.

I was embarrassed to not be excelling at work and felt ashamed that I had not formed as many friendships in Chicago as other people in the house.

However, looking back - the friends I did make are some of the most wonderful people I know and the type of friends that will be forever friends. I also discovered myself more through the work I did and although I was not excelling according to some of the expectations of Trilogy - meeting their productivity requirements or ignoring my own safety concerns -  I was doing good work with my clients and I know for a fact many of the people I worked with are better off now - than they were before we began our work together.

Most importantly - despite the fact - that I will often look back at this year as one of the hardest of my life - it will still stand as one of the most important and exciting as well.

I met my Eitan my first week in Chicago. He is my partner and has been with me through out every challenge. Eitan makes me goofy, happy and is one of the most understanding human beings I know. Eitan being with me has allowed for me to feel hope and excitement for my future.

I plan to try to continue writing in my blog throughout this year.
This summer I have been working through my pain and grief with assistance from my Eitan, from my family as well as wonderful friends and community members. And through personal introspection and struggle.

The Rabbi at AABJ&D has been very good to my family and the Rabbi at the shul I have been attending in Chicago has made this transition smooth and simple. He has been thoughtful and kind and has worked to ensure I am comfortable finding my space here in Chicago.

I have decided to say Kaddish at minyan once a day and this has been both a huge struggle and blessing.

I want to chronicle this experience and heal through the comfort of my voice being raised in prayer - to honor my father in this way and to allow the written word to help and guide me... and maybe help others as well.

I hope to write regularly again this year - for my own healing and to provide insight for others --- into saying Kaddish as a woman - building a life again after a loss - and the development and hope a beautiful and loving relationship can bring.

Below I am including the learning I gave at Shloshim - if I can find it I will include my eulogy as well.

Learning:

In honor of my father we all learned portions of  the Mishnah. I am sure my father would have been honored and proud to have influenced so many people's learning. He did not spend his days learning but he had a thirst for knowledge and when he could he would learn - one summer he spent every Friday night learning some thing from the Navi - until he had gone through the entire Navi - his insistence on always learning and improving himself permeated our lives and encouraged us to continue to pursue new thoughts and ideas. 

Just recently, the Shabbat following shiva my siblings and I were sitting around our table talking about my father and what it had been like to learn with him. My father was one of the most thoughtful and interesting men to study with. Rachel shared that when she was in high school she was learning Gemara - she was confused by her rabbis explanation and immediately thought to look through it again with my Dad. Once she and my father learned the portion together - not only did Rachel understand it - she also understood that her rabbi did not have as much comprehension and insight into the portion as my father. My father had a unique way of understanding but beyond that was able to synthesis and explain his ideas to others - in a respectful and interesting way. 

The portion I chose to learn for today was Niddah. I will not go into the nitty gritty details of the portion. There is lots of explanation of what constitutes impurity and purity and what to do to become pure again. But what inspired me to learn Niddah is that it discusses the details of Tahart a mishpacha - building a pure and loving home. I was blessed with having two parents who were deeply in love with each other and modeled appropriate and respectful behavior between man and wife my whole life and who truly displayed a loving and committed partnership. One of my father's favorite expression - that I think he may have stolen from my uncle - is the best things a parent can do for his children is love their mother.

I have been thinking a lot about how my father’s will no longer be able to be present at my big life events. He will not be there when I get married, he will not walk me down the aisle or be waiting for hours in the waiting room until my first child is born - as he was for Asaf. This is terrifying to me - but also what inspired me to learn and delve into a portion of learning focused on marriage and maintaining a pure and committed marriage. I am hoping to begin determining ways to bring my father into this life events in other ways. By learning a portion of Torah about marriage in his honor is the first step in developing ways to connect my big life events and my love for my dad together. Even though my father will not be physically present through out my life - I know his influence will direct my steps and he will be there in spirit and through the influence he has on my choices and the person I hope to be. 

What I think many parents hope is that their children always hear their voice and guidance through out their lives - whether a parent is physically present or not. This has been true for me since I was a little girl and I will continue to search for his voice and guidance for the rest of my life. 

In seventh grade the story I shared about  an inspiring person was (obviously_ one about my Dad. My father was working in Newark. Every day on his way into work my Dad would give a few dollars to this older gentleman in a wheal chair begging on the street. I feel unkind but I do not remember the man’s name - but my father did - he knew him by name and would not simply give him some money - but he would talk to him and make sure to treat him like a person and give him respect. One time on his way into work he did not see the older man, and then the following day and the day after- he did not simply shrug it off and go to work but on that third day spent forty minutes driving around looking for him. When he found him - the man was clearly hurt and bleeding - my father got out of his car - in Newark and wheeled him to the closest hospital.  Now as I walk through downtown Chicago - I have a need to buy all of the streetwise magazines (magazines about street homelessness and primarily sold by homeless or at risk individuals) and I make sure to stop and talk with the individuals selling them. Another example of the kind of man my father was and how his ideas have always and will always permeate my thoughts and actions is - a statement I recall my father saying through out his business dealings was - would I be embarrassed to Tell my mother I took this case? This way of thinking has been part of my vocabulary as well. I think of grandma Gussie and her pure thoughts and my father and his insistence of fairness and treating everyone win righteousness. If I would feel embarrassed to tell my father what I did - I chose to not do it - its not always easy but I doubt it was easy for him either. 

I already miss my father - after just thirty days with an ache and a pain I have never previously known. It will be devastating to experience joy without his laughing face or his smiling eyes - but I know he will be there and I am just learning how to incorporate and feel his presence in every day life and today is step one. 

Moving to Chicago and my exploration of my new home

Lets start at the very beginning.

My mother and I drove FROM NEW JERSEY to Chicago JUST THE TWO OF US in a SMALL CAR for FOURTEEN hours. And we made it - without killing each other and actually having a really great time overall.

The drive was tough - its long and we only did it in two days - mostly with myself at the wheel. But our first night along our journey we stayed in Cleveland - had a wonderful dinner together and went to bed early. Once we finally arrived in Chicago we had dinner and again went to bed early.

But the next day we spent exploring and laughing and taking pictures and overall having a lovely time. We went to Michigan avenue and walked along the lake. We lazily walked along Navy pear, saw Millennial park and had an awesome boat tour of the architecture in the city. That night we tried Chicago style deep dish pizza and giggled through a bottle of wine. The next morning my mother caught an early flight back to New Jersey and a few hours later I moved in.

I was so nervous - I was nervous about driving there - bringing my stuff in - meeting people and setting up my room.

My first week in the house was really stressful. My roommate (who is probably now my closest friend in the house and in Chicago) got really sick and it was hard navigating my needs and hers that first week. I felt constantly under-slept and a bit sick myself - but she had the flu and then pneumonia and I felt selfish worrying about my needs - but did feel they were being overlooked. I was also missing everyone at home and just not feeling comfortable yet. We were doing really intense sharing and deep thinking with brand new people and I was not ready to share my deepest emotions with strangers, but also felt pressure to be insightful and thoughtful. Avodah does this intentionally but it was hard and exhausting - both physically and emotionally and I was struggling...

And then shabbat came... and it was like a switch went off - it was this really beautiful 25 hours and such a warm environment. We did everything in the house - Kabbalat Shabbat - dinner - lunch - meeting alums - it was all lovely.

Then Monday was a much needed free day and I went swimming with a friend - went out with my roommate for the first time - to target and began to fill settled.

A time I went out with my roommate and her friend (roommate - The lovely Julie Ann
is the one in the center). 

The next day I began work ----
a little about work:

The first week was training - the second week was shadowing - and then by the third week I began seeing clients ON MY OWN!

At this point I have 13 clients - who I have to schedule appointments with - to discuss treatment plans - medication monitoring - discharge from hospitals (in the case of one client) and drive to appointments. It is an exhausting job and I feel somewhat out of my depth but I am learning so so much and I am really enjoying it - overall.

Because of confidentiality I cannot share stories of my experience on the job - but its an intense job and I know already will be one of the hardest things I will ever do.

What else have I been doing?

Most nights someone cooks dinner and we all eat together - its awesome! The food is great and its so nice to be able to talk and detox at the end of every day.

Some of my housemates - out on the town! 

On the weekends we go grocery shopping and I have been trying to do something nice and fun.

I saw avenue Q - which was awesome! I saw my cousins - who I haven't seen in forever, got dinner with fulbright friends, etc. and then Rosh Hashanah!

Rosh Hashanah was weird and different than I am accustomed to - but it was great!

I went to Mishkan - this very alternative synagogue with some people in my house - which was super cool. I went with my roommate to her family friends - they were lovely and incredibly warm and had a meal with many of housemates. Overall it was great even if different.

So much more to say - but as it turns out - all these risks and leaps of faith I have been making are working out and I am so grateful for this opportunity to learn and grow.

911 2014

I have been meaning to post something since I arriving in Chicago about what my adjustment has been like and how amazing the city is.

This week was my second week at work and my third in Chicago. I have had highs and lows since my arrival. It has been really stressful moving in, meeting new people and adjusting to a new job.

I will definitely write again about the amazing highs I have had since arriving but right now I want to pay tribute to the day and to my cousin Mark.

Today has been really hard and has definitely felt in many ways like a low. But I still went to work, I still laughed with my new co-workers, got ready in the morning with my awesome new roommate and had a productive day.

I was poignantly aware of the date all day today but my focus had to be on my new job and my new clients.

However, the minute I walked in the door at the end of the day today, a big weight fell on my chest and the full emotional strain of the date settled in.

I never know how to feel on 911 or how I will feel. But this year has been particularly emotional. I think its all the changes and new starts but I miss Mark today more than I have in years past.

As I drove to work I passed signs commemorating 911 and news on the radio about the day. I feel appreciative to be back in America where I can feel a collective mourning and recognition of what today means.

I know that for me 911 is different than for my co-workers or for the people that I live with, but I appreciate the collective understanding of what today means and that at least the day does not get ignored.

With my housemates we will eat dinner and write memories of where we were on 911 and how we felt. One girl suggested we light candles in honor of the many murdered today. I just feel this outpouring of love and understanding from the people I live with and just met and I am really touched to be part of such a special community.

Our 911 tribute 

I thought at the end of this post I would share what I remember from 911, 2001...

My 6th grade hebrew teacher walked into the classroom in tears. Only days before she told us one of her close friends was ill and I remember thinking "oh my god her friend must have died" However, she was crying over the many lives lost in the world trade center on the planes that crashed. She invited us all to go to the auditorium at school to pray. I remember feeling sad but in that impersonal "thank god its not me" kind of way. I remember some classmates crying and worrying about their parents working in NY. My parents worked in NJ. I was unconcerned. At 2PM my other teacher turned on the radio for us to listen to the news. All of a sudden I remembered Mark, at our labor day barbecue, telling my Dad all about his new job which would be starting in the world trade center. I broke. I could not stop crying. My teacher turned off the news and allowed me to cry (and snot) all over her. Later when I got off the bus my mother was waiting for me and took me home. It was like a train station in my house. Neighbors in and out - everyone on the phone. My mom left immediately after dropping me off at home to be with my aunt. My uncle was stuck in the city - looking at the towers - knowing that was where his son may have just been killed. My mother spent the night with my aunt.

The next day we all stayed home from school. Some time in the evening my brother came home from college. I remember how scared I felt when I saw him. Because Mark had felt like such a brother to me - seeing my brother home and safe made me feel so scared and relieved.

We still did not know if Mark was alive or dead. But we knew that if he could call or reach us he would and as the days passed we lost hope...

As I get closer to the age Mark was when he died I feel this very odd emotion. I always think of Mark as this great big cousin who taught me so much and I fear surpassing him. But he was such a thoughtful and amazing man that as I get older I still search to impress him and make him proud. I really hope he is proud of what I am doing this year and that he thinks the choices I have made and I am making are the right ones.

I love you Mark! Take care of Grandma.

What's next for me?!?

This past year living abroad in Easten Europe was the best and most challenging year of life. I learned a lot about myself and about a new and very different culture. As my year began winding down I started  thinking of what to do next. I have always wanted to be a therapist and although I have loved teaching this past year it has convinced me even more about my desire to work with people in a therapeutic setting. My favorite part of teaching has been connecting with students one on one and listening to the issues that arise with adolescence. 

After reflection I decided the next step for my growth was AVODAH, the Jewish americorps. AVODAH is broken down into two parts. One is communal living and education about social justice through a jewish lens and the other is each member’s various americorps placement doing social justice work. I will be working at Trilogy in Chicago. Trilogy is a behavioral healthcare organization that serves mentally ill patients within Rogers Park, Chicago and the surrounding areas. The population being served are individuals with long term mental illness who often have co-occurring substance abuse problems. What inspires me to work with Trilogy is that the goal is to empower the patients to recognize their own strength and take on their own recovery by utilizing this strength. The organization recognizes that recovery is possible with the right tools and support. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpYHiwCozb0) 

At Trilogy I will be a recovery counselor for about 18 clients. I will get to know these clients personally and will help them to get back on medication, find fulfilling employment and improve their living situations. 

I am excited about working at Trilogy and finding ways to help this population learn about themselves and recognize their own capacity for success. But, most importantly, I am excited to be doing this work through an organization like AVODAH. AVODAH is a unique organization that gathers like minded individuals together to create a community and helps these individuals pursue work that inspires them. As corps members we will all be living together, but doing different social justice and social action work. What is amazing is that we will all be doing work that helps improve the world in some way but we will all be doing work that helps us grow as well and discuss this growth as a community. 

The kind of work AVODAH does requires help and funding.  AVODAH provides 75 corps members work at 75 amazing non profits across Chicago, NYC, New Orleans, and DC to help fight mental illness, poverty, education disparities, housing issues, healthcare and much more. Before my year of service begins at the end of August, I am fundraising so that AVODAH can continue to support corps members such as myself working as low cost employees for these organizations. My personal goal is 1500 dollars. Every dollar counts and if you don’t have a lot to give you can still make a big change with a small amount. 

I recognize that you are constantly giving and supporting various causes and I was hoping that learning about AVODAH might inspire you to think about a new charity. I've set up a webpage where you can learn more and make a contribution online: https://connect.clickandpledge.com/Organization/avodah/Fundraiser/AvivaRosenberg I would be honored if you even simply took the time to read about the organizations I will be working with. It would mean a lot to me if you could give but feel free to email me or call me if you want to talk further. 

I hope that this year of service will be as interesting to all of you as my adventures in Bulgaria - and that you will keep on following and supporting me. 

Farewell Bulgaria - thank you for everything.

Goodbye Bulgaria

My last weeks and my year in Reflection

Saying goodbye to Bulgaria, the place that has been my home for a year is incredibly hard but saying goodbye to the people that have helped me grow and through their guidance have made this year of change possible was devastating.

When I was booking my flight home I worked it so that I could go to the teachers final farewell end of the year gathering. I am so thankful that I went. I was so touched by so many things throughout the weekend.

Before we got into the nitty gritty of the meetings we did some sight seeing - for me my final adventure in Bulgaria. We saw this awesome monastery built into the mountains. It was really impressive and incredibly beautiful!

The monastery 

Gorgeous view from the monastery 

I was allotted a time to give a presentation about my year. Margo translated for me and everyone seemed genuinely interested and engaged and I was so touched that they cared what I had to say. Surprisingly this is an exception - these teachers were pretty terrible listeners overall.... (:)) but I say that with love.

Also, three other people mentioned me during their presentations. One of the vice principles got choked up when she was speaking of my role and the english teachers discussed how helpful they felt I was. Dimi honored me by giving me undue credit for her acceptance into the America for Bulgaria two week training grant to the US.

The best part of the weekend was the party. We gathered at the hotel restaurant for dancing and I hardly sat from 8 until midnight. I danced the few horos I know and partied hard with all the CRAZY teachers. The other vice principle danced a slow dance with me - a bit uncomfortable but touching at the same time.

When I said goodbye to the teachers I knew would not be seeing me off for my bus to Sofia I could not find the words.

A little note to the people I love that I said goodbye to that night.

The Lovely Roni 

Dear Roni,

Thank you for your guidance throughout this year. Thank you for the respect of treating me as a peer despite our 20 year age difference. I am honored that you respected my role as a teacher and that you always seemed genuinely interested in my insight.

Roni - you managed to flawlessly play the role of friend and Bulgarian mother. You scolded me for not dressing for the weather but still gossiped with me.

With Dimi on the dance floor 

Lovely Dimi,

What an honor to meet a person like you with the ability to find the positive in everyone and every thing. You saw your role as a teacher in such a beautiful way and it was inspiring to work with you.

It was also nice to have another young teacher to work with and I really loved getting to know you.

My departure from Varna.

Sunday morning Margo came to drive me to the bus station. We picked up Kris and then met Konstantin, Vayra (his girlfriend) and two of my students, Vicky and Alex at a cafe near the station.

It was so touching to have all these people come to see me off. They stayed by the bus until I pulled away and waved for ten minutes straight. It was adorable and hilarious - as everyone else on the bus had no idea what was going on.

The always fashionable Kris 

Dear Kris,

When we said goodbye you said how it was nice having me around while your daughter has been away. What an honor to be thought of with that kind of love. You have been there for me in very motherly ways but I have also loved dancing with you and I cannot believe the kind of energy you have. I will miss you greatly!

Vyara - Konstantin - Me
July morning!! 

Konstantin,

Thank you so much for everything! Thank you for helping me with my apartment mishaps, setting up my internet and copious other adjustments I needed guidance for. But thank you the most for being one of the greatest friends I have ever had. You are a wonderful listener and it is great talking with you about anything. You have a wonderful perspective on the world and you inspire me with your desire to grow, learn and change. Not everyone is willing to change their views on things but you were always willing debate and argue with me while taking in everything I say to gain a new peerspective.

With Dobi at a Mexana 

Dobi could not come come to say goodbye but how can I not mention the wonderful and sweet Dobi.

Dear Dobi,

You were a unique friend for me. You are so thoughtful and took such good care of me. I very rarely noticed our age difference and the times I did see it - it was merely because you were in some way taking care of me. Going the extra bus stop to see me home, having me call you when I got in the house or simply translating a menu for me.  You are a special person and friend and I love you!

Myself and Margo - my mentor - my guide - and my wonderful friend

Dear dear Margo,

I could not have been more lucky to have you as my mentor teacher. Right from the start you were thoughtful and giving. I knew we would click when we were the only duo sitting outside for our meeting in Pravets. Margo, you are hilarious and can mock a person so simply without ever causing offense. You have done so much for me this year and I cannot even begin to thank you. What is most amazing about everything you have given and done for me is you have never made me feel bad for asking or done any favor begrudgingly. When ever I thank you - you look at me with eyes that say "for what" as if the long drive out of your way and the time spent figuring out an issue was no big deal. I have loved every minute we have spent together and I cannot wait to see you again - in Bulgaria or America - we shall see!

I really truly love you and I know you will be part of my life forever.

10D - a very fun and goofy class 

Some of my women's club - very special girls 

adorable 9th grade class 

10z - tough kids but such beautiful hearts! 

more cute 9th graders 

11г - I will honestly miss you guys 

a very special 10th grade class 

11в - you guys were the light of my week 

Hilarious 10th grade class 

A very special student - Vicky! 

Roni's 9th graders - love them! even though they don't always know it 

Informal farewell party by the sea with awesome students! 

Dear Students,

Thank you Vicky and Alex for seeing me off. Thank you for the flowers and the chocolate and for taking the time to come to the bus station.

Thank you students for inspiring me, challenging me and making me think in new ways. Thank you for your patience and forgiveness while I learned what the hell it means to be a teacher. It has been a colossal struggle figuring out what lessons to do, how to present ideas in the best way and understand all of you.

The best part of the year was the connections I made with students. I have felt honored to be a confidant to many of you, to be a resource about schools and future plans and to have so many of you attending extra courses to learn from me.

I have learned so much from all  of you. You have been my best resource for understanding Bulgaria and Bulgarian traditions. You have taught me that sometimes the way a high schooler thinks can be more thoughtful and caring than an adult and that change is on the surface if you just look for it.

Love you all - for real!

- Ms. R

Today I left from Sofia for my long journey home - back to America.

Bobi, who I have mentioned off hand in many places in this blog, but never really explained saw me off.



Meeting Bobi was the best part of my year and saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Bobi and I fell in love - despite the odds and various obstacles that meant we could not make a long term relationship last.

He is one of the kindest people I have ever known. Bobi does not do nice things because its the right thing to do but because he only thinks of the nice thing. He has a pure heart and does not even see the other (not as nice) option.

We met today for a walk and lunch and then we had an emotional goodbye in the airport. I have refrained from talking about him on my blog to respect privacy and because of our many odds against us not wanting to answer the questions of why we could not make it last. But Bobi has been the most important person I have met this year and to not give him mention is unfair.

Today Bobi said "I am glad I met someone it is so hard to say goodbye to" - I feel the same way. Some people come into your life to teach you something and inspire you. Bobi did just that - he taught me the right way to love and brought me to understand what a truly great relationship needs.

I will forever be grateful for this love.

Goodbye my Borislav Branimirov Zaimov - I love you!

Goodbye Bulgaria,

Thank you for teaching me:
- How to stand up for myself and fight back even in a language I do not know well at all
- How to go with the flow - think in positive ways and understand that everything is for the best.
- For granting me the home base to travel from and see the world
- For showing me the beauty of the natural environment here - the sea, the mountains, the roses and much more
- For introducing me to rocking food - sach, shopska salad, banista, and more
- For helping me to learn to be on my own - to be reflective with my self and discover my own strength and abilities.

This year has honestly been the best year of my life. I have learned so much and I have had so many incredible experiences. Everything has been new and everything has been inspiring.

When I think back to myself the week before leaving for Bulgaria. I was a wreck - I got into a car accident - obviously influenced by nerves, I was sullen and stressed and I could not even begin to imagine what I was getting myself in to.

Now as I leave - all I feel is gratitude and love. I have been given so much this year and I have changed in irrevocable ways. I have become a stronger, more thoughtful and smarter person I believe. Living abroad and exploring a new culture changes you and gives you things you could not imagine. I am so sad to be leaving but so happy for all that I have gained.

I love Bulgaria and I will definitely come back here - soon!

My first picture in Bulgaria - from my hotel room in Pravets

Sunset in Pravets

The Danube 

The roses 

The seacoast in Varna - my favorite place in all of Bulgaria