Consent in Friendship

Something that comes up frequently for my clients and in my personal life is how friends engage in consent. I do not mean consent regarding sexual advance. Of course, that comes up regularly in my work, but I mean the expectations of friends (or even those friendlies) for emotional labor. People's expectations are often inappropriate, unfair, and straight up non-consensual.

The clients I see are resilient and brave survivors of sexual violence. They have learned to cope with unimaginable pain and hardship. As a consequence of their trauma, many of my clients have become highly attuned to the emotional responses and needs of others.  My clients develop this emotional attunement as a tool to ensure their safety; by remaining conscious of and reactive to the emotional whims of those around them, they are more prepared to identify and preempt aggressive or uncomfortable situations. In addition to being a valuable defensive technique, this attunement leads many survivors to be thoughtful and giving caregivers.

What often happens, though, is that survivors identify so strongly with their caregiver identity that they feel unable to set boundaries or say no. This can lead to compassion-fatigue or emotional drain, loss of free time, and overburdening. On a more nefarious level, this can also result in people taking advantage of my clients, making inappropriate or unsafe demands, and in the worst cases re-traumatizing them through coercive or violent acts.

This struggle occurs for most people who identify as, or simply present as, caregivers. For people who are naturally attuned to the needs of others or are empaths by nature, the instinct and desire to give can be a true gift. But it can also be a burden. People often take advantage of or demand of the people in their life who are natural givers in ways that is both inappropriate and unfair—and non-consensual.

I myself struggle with this. I am a trained therapist. I listen, empathize and support others for a living. This is the greatest honor and privilege of my life. I also enjoy connecting and being there for people on a personal level. It is a wonderful thing that my profession allows me to connect with and support people, but I am also happy to do it for free and love being available to my friends, family, and, most importantly, my partner. However, particularly because I do it for work, I cannot always be “on” in my personal life. And even if I worked in a different field—NO ONE can be “on” all the time. 

Therefore, we need to be asking for consent. We need to be checking in with friends before we ask of them, or consider and think about how and what we are asking. We should consider the context and the person's ability to meet our needs when we ask, and the burden or toll it may have on them to meet our request. This does not mean we should not count on our friends for support—especially the friends who are caregivers by nature. Caregivers like to help, it is part of who they are, and they are good at it. However, they also struggle with saying “no” or setting boundaries.

Consequently, it is often the responsibility of the one seeking support to consider what they are asking for, how they are asking, and what the impact on the supporter may be. Do you need to talk about your struggles at that moment, is the person in a safe place (physically and emotionally) to be there for you, etc. By considering these questions at the outset, you can help ensure a sustainable, productive, and consensual, system of peer support.

Some tips:

1.       Think about your need: is it an emergency?

a.       If it is an emergency and you need support – say that and ask for it.

b.       Consent and the way we engage in emergency situation is different.

2.       Now, if it’s not an emergency:

a.       Ask—is this a good time?

b.       Check in with the person—ask permission to vent. It is as simple as saying to someone: Are you free right now and would it be okay if I called you to vent, or is there another time that would be better?

c.       Think about what is going on for that person; do you know if they are going through something?

                                                               i.      Are they up for it?

                                                             ii.      Is what you are sharing something that could further upset what they are experiencing?

3.       How might they feel if they have to say “no”

a.       Are you ensuring that they won’t feel like they let you down?

b.       If they say no in this instance will it challenge their perception of themselves?

4.       Have multiple resources and spread the support—no one person can be everything for anyone.

a.       Even the most giving friend or partner has their limit.

b.       You know what I will say: some things are simply meant for your THERAPIST.