With Bated Breath

I have been so incredibly sad these last 400 plus days. October 7th changed the tenor of my life and shifted how I see my security and feeling of belonging in this world.

Since the ceasefire began on November 24th I have been glued to my phone, obsessed with the news, waiting to hear who would be released, what condition would they be in and elated as I watched them being held by their families. I cried with joyful tears as Danielle’s partner greeted her with a loud exclamation of “will you marry me?”

I have also been so incredibly angry. Why could this ceasefire not be reached sooner? Where was the pressure to release innocent civilians taken from their homes barefoot and bloody? How was the University movement focused on villainizing Israel rather than outraged that babies were being held underground? And then I feel confused by my own emotions. Rachel Goldberg Polin -- Hersh’s mother speaks without anger and continues to hold faith both in Israel and in the Palestinian future. If Rachel can still believe there can be peace (if hamas is eradicated) shouldn’t I be able to too?

And then in these last few days since Yarden Bibas has been released -- I have felt the most alone.

Where is my community? How are you silent about Yarden’s young baby boys still being held, either alive and terrified or murdered babies being held without burial as a political tool and a terrorist torture method?

I do not speak to every issue and I do not expect others to either. I don’t always believe silence is complicity and I have even been relieved as people not directly connected to this conflict have remained silent, sometimes we only have the bandwidth to fight the battles most connected to our own experience, and there are so many battles to fight right now. 

But the Bibas family could be my family. Yarden could be my Eitan - and that makes me fearful that, as history repeats itself, people will remain silent.

Yarden is a 35 year old innocent Jewish man. He lived peacefully on a kibbutz near Gaza. The kibbutz was a community that worked within Gaza to support and feed the community. He is a father to two beautiful boys.

The images of Shiri holding those boys.

I feel her fear. Her fear is mine.

Those boys could be my boys. And while Shiri and her two toddler boys have been held by terrorists in Gaza my Jewish boys have been privileged to grow and change so much. Micah weaned, learned to walk, to talk, to make friends, to state his preference. Sami learned math, how to spell his name, how to climb to the top of the structure at Chester Arthur. 

And I’m so grateful.

But I’m also so afraid. 

If we are silent while babies and their mother are held by terrorists. If we do not grieve with Yarden who after 485 days in captivity comes home and his babies he was bloodied to protect are not home. Where has our humanity gone? And I am angry that the outrage does not feel personal. If you are my neighbor you should see Eitan in Yarden, and me in Shiri. If you are my friend you should feel protective of Ariel and Kfir, as I feel protective of your babies. Because their sin is my sin, and the only sin they committed was being born Jewish. Because Shiri could be me, Ariel could be Sami, Kfir could be Micah and Yarden could be Eitan. Because their only crime was being born Jewish.

And if you are part of my community how can you ignore the horrors and ongoing pain of my Jewish people when you speak to the horrors in Gaza? This war is awful and horrific --- but please acknowledge what started this war?

When I saw the same people (rightfully) outraged about Brittney Griner being held in Russian prison and who (again rightfully) advocated and celebrated her release say nothing about the six Americans still held in Gaza, and who remain silent upon the release of Keith to his family. I wonder would they fight for me? Would they fight for my babies? When you are Jewish it’s hard to not wonder who will speak for you?

When I visited Sachsenhausen concentration camp in Berlin in my twenties -- there were homes still standing from that time. People’s backyards overlooked the concentration camps where Jews, queers, and Roma were brutalized. It is frightening living in America and recognizing that if you agree with people that Trump is the most frightening president in our lifetime, you may also be speaking to the same person who believes Israel should not exist, and therefore also believes that Jewish people do not deserve a home and should have nowhere to turn as the world turns against us.

On October 8th I wondered who would protect my babies, who would speak for them if I could not?

I actually know the answer --- I know who the righteous Gentile and beautiful person who would protect them is. We are so grateful for this person in our lives who loves our boys like they are her family, and truly loves us that way too. 

I thank my two former colleagues for reaching out and professing their sense of community and understanding of the collective Jewish grief.

I was so touched by my boss who created space for grief and conversation after the October 7th attacks. Who, in the way she opened the conversation made it clear that what happened was terrorism and we would be supporting each other and our clients while they processed this horror. She did not make room for anyone to speak about resistance and I felt held in that space. But I was also acutely aware of the two colleagues who were silent and did not express horror… were they in their thoughts, or do they believe raping women, and beheading babies is an act of justified resistance? I really hope and pray it was silence and respect but in the world we live in now, I am not always sure. 

I also want to write to my other fears about the country we live in today. The new reality we entered with the election of President Trump. 

I will not be silent either. I will speak for you as I ask you to speak for me! 

To be honest over the last two weeks,I have been confused. I don’t know what is happening but I am acutely aware of the fear and the personal nature of that fear for so many in my community. 

There ARE NOT only two genders - gender is a spectrum.

America cannot take over Gaza and displace an entire people -- that is both illegal and a human rights violation.

Abortion is healthcare.

Government employees who are committed to helping their communities and doing the right thing should not be unsure of their employment or what their job is. 

Queer couples should feel safe that their marriage will not be overturned.

And America should be a place for people to make their home, not deported en-mass.

And to my Jewish community who are seeing Trump as an ally -- he is not! 

Threatening to take over Gaza shifts the rhetoric and will only make Israel seem like more of an oppressor and create more danger at our doorsteps.

But most importantly never in our History has dictatorship and oligarchy been good for the Jewish people -- and please don’t be blinded -- that is what he and his cronies are working towards. 

I am scared. But I won’t be silent.