I fought back and just when I thought I had my footing on my happiness and believed I had begun taking back control of my mental health and my life I got the worst news that would ultimately change my life in the most profound and awful way.
Four months ago my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and less than two months ago he passed away.
I promised many people I would chronicle my experience with AVODAH through the written word and though my blog. But with the challenges I faced throughout the year I did not wish to disclose my struggles to anyone.
I was embarrassed to not be excelling at work and felt ashamed that I had not formed as many friendships in Chicago as other people in the house.
However, looking back - the friends I did make are some of the most wonderful people I know and the type of friends that will be forever friends. I also discovered myself more through the work I did and although I was not excelling according to some of the expectations of Trilogy - meeting their productivity requirements or ignoring my own safety concerns - I was doing good work with my clients and I know for a fact many of the people I worked with are better off now - than they were before we began our work together.
Most importantly - despite the fact - that I will often look back at this year as one of the hardest of my life - it will still stand as one of the most important and exciting as well.
I met my Eitan my first week in Chicago. He is my partner and has been with me through out every challenge. Eitan makes me goofy, happy and is one of the most understanding human beings I know. Eitan being with me has allowed for me to feel hope and excitement for my future.
I plan to try to continue writing in my blog throughout this year.
This summer I have been working through my pain and grief with assistance from my Eitan, from my family as well as wonderful friends and community members. And through personal introspection and struggle.
The Rabbi at AABJ&D has been very good to my family and the Rabbi at the shul I have been attending in Chicago has made this transition smooth and simple. He has been thoughtful and kind and has worked to ensure I am comfortable finding my space here in Chicago.
I have decided to say Kaddish at minyan once a day and this has been both a huge struggle and blessing.
I want to chronicle this experience and heal through the comfort of my voice being raised in prayer - to honor my father in this way and to allow the written word to help and guide me... and maybe help others as well.
I hope to write regularly again this year - for my own healing and to provide insight for others --- into saying Kaddish as a woman - building a life again after a loss - and the development and hope a beautiful and loving relationship can bring.
Below I am including the learning I gave at Shloshim - if I can find it I will include my eulogy as well.
Learning:
In honor of my father we all learned portions of the Mishnah. I am sure my father would have been honored and proud to have influenced so many people's learning. He did not spend his days learning but he had a thirst for knowledge and when he could he would learn - one summer he spent every Friday night learning some thing from the Navi - until he had gone through the entire Navi - his insistence on always learning and improving himself permeated our lives and encouraged us to continue to pursue new thoughts and ideas.Just recently, the Shabbat following shiva my siblings and I were sitting around our table talking about my father and what it had been like to learn with him. My father was one of the most thoughtful and interesting men to study with. Rachel shared that when she was in high school she was learning Gemara - she was confused by her rabbis explanation and immediately thought to look through it again with my Dad. Once she and my father learned the portion together - not only did Rachel understand it - she also understood that her rabbi did not have as much comprehension and insight into the portion as my father. My father had a unique way of understanding but beyond that was able to synthesis and explain his ideas to others - in a respectful and interesting way.The portion I chose to learn for today was Niddah. I will not go into the nitty gritty details of the portion. There is lots of explanation of what constitutes impurity and purity and what to do to become pure again. But what inspired me to learn Niddah is that it discusses the details of Tahart a mishpacha - building a pure and loving home. I was blessed with having two parents who were deeply in love with each other and modeled appropriate and respectful behavior between man and wife my whole life and who truly displayed a loving and committed partnership. One of my father's favorite expression - that I think he may have stolen from my uncle - is the best things a parent can do for his children is love their mother.I have been thinking a lot about how my father’s will no longer be able to be present at my big life events. He will not be there when I get married, he will not walk me down the aisle or be waiting for hours in the waiting room until my first child is born - as he was for Asaf. This is terrifying to me - but also what inspired me to learn and delve into a portion of learning focused on marriage and maintaining a pure and committed marriage. I am hoping to begin determining ways to bring my father into this life events in other ways. By learning a portion of Torah about marriage in his honor is the first step in developing ways to connect my big life events and my love for my dad together. Even though my father will not be physically present through out my life - I know his influence will direct my steps and he will be there in spirit and through the influence he has on my choices and the person I hope to be.What I think many parents hope is that their children always hear their voice and guidance through out their lives - whether a parent is physically present or not. This has been true for me since I was a little girl and I will continue to search for his voice and guidance for the rest of my life.In seventh grade the story I shared about an inspiring person was (obviously_ one about my Dad. My father was working in Newark. Every day on his way into work my Dad would give a few dollars to this older gentleman in a wheal chair begging on the street. I feel unkind but I do not remember the man’s name - but my father did - he knew him by name and would not simply give him some money - but he would talk to him and make sure to treat him like a person and give him respect. One time on his way into work he did not see the older man, and then the following day and the day after- he did not simply shrug it off and go to work but on that third day spent forty minutes driving around looking for him. When he found him - the man was clearly hurt and bleeding - my father got out of his car - in Newark and wheeled him to the closest hospital. Now as I walk through downtown Chicago - I have a need to buy all of the streetwise magazines (magazines about street homelessness and primarily sold by homeless or at risk individuals) and I make sure to stop and talk with the individuals selling them. Another example of the kind of man my father was and how his ideas have always and will always permeate my thoughts and actions is - a statement I recall my father saying through out his business dealings was - would I be embarrassed to Tell my mother I took this case? This way of thinking has been part of my vocabulary as well. I think of grandma Gussie and her pure thoughts and my father and his insistence of fairness and treating everyone win righteousness. If I would feel embarrassed to tell my father what I did - I chose to not do it - its not always easy but I doubt it was easy for him either.I already miss my father - after just thirty days with an ache and a pain I have never previously known. It will be devastating to experience joy without his laughing face or his smiling eyes - but I know he will be there and I am just learning how to incorporate and feel his presence in every day life and today is step one.
