The last 9 months have been painful and long.
I have felt sadness that is completely new and different to me.
I have had a lot of intense and painful experiences in my life, but the fear and anxiety that comes with trying to conceive is brand-new. Feeling out of control and unsure of whether I will one day be a mom hurts in a way that is deep, that holds my heart in this state of heaviness, that slows my breathing and leaves me unsure of whats next.
I want to share some of the experience - for my own wellness - because I process through writing and also because if I can offer a modicum of support and a moment of healing for someone else going through it, or how I think it is better described, who is in it, my writing is worth it.
I have learned a lot about myself, my relationship with my partner, and a lot about different people in my life who I am close with.
I chose to be open about "trying". One, because I just don't think wanting to start a family and having a hard time conceiving should be a secret, but two, because most of the people I shared with kind of knew anyway. I've been married for 3.5 years, I am 29, my husband and I both have good jobs and we are both obsessed with kids and have always wanted to be parents.
What I have learned from my openness and vulnerability is that I have some amazing and compassionate and thoughtful people in my life. I have people who have been there for me in various quiet and not so quiet ways. I have friends who notice my sadness when I reach for a glass of wine, disappointed that while I love a rose with dinner, I would rather be abstaining. I have had friends notice and compliment my strength, friends hug me when I cry, or hear me out when I am disappointed and sad. Friends who kindly ask, "how can I help?"
These same friends recognize that my emotions are complicated - that I am completely happy for the life they have and absolutely in love with their babies, but that some days I want to hold and snuggle their children, and other days I want to chat about politics or work and focus on being adults or engaging civically and do anything but hold their adorable, snuggly kid, because I am just not up for it.
They don't make me feel judged or wrong for my emotions, but embrace me and embrace the feelings and sit in discomfort.
But I have also had people in my life who have seen my vulnerability and rejected it, or judged it.
I have been surprised by the people in my life who have made me feel that being open about my experiences, my wants, my vulnerability is some how bad. People who have made me feel broken because I am sad. Who have made the choice to cut me out rather than bring me in when I am sad, who have ran from my hard feelings, rather than acknowledge or hold them. Or simply assume that I am one way rather than multifaceted. People who make me feel that by sharing I am sad I am also begrudging or denying their right to be lucky and to feel complete. People who are not patient enough with complicated feelings and so chose to isolate me because they don’t trust me to joyful about their lives while also struggling with the place I am in mine. Perhaps the assumption and isolation is the cruelest and most painful response of all. Yes, I still want to hear about your pregnancy, or your kids, or your anxiety - just be sensitive about when and how.
And I have also had people just say the wrong fucking thing:
Sometimes the wrong thing is not their fault and just based on my values or beliefs or simply something I couldn't hear at the time. However, sometimes people say things that are so tone deaf and insensitive I hope and pray that I can let go and forgive because I do not want to be angry.
Below are some examples - read this list to find a way to support other people, not to look for yourself or to confirm you did not say something on the list. Its okay if you have said the wrong thing, try not to next time, or to the next person. Its okay that I was vulnerable and it was hard for you to hold, but take this moment to learn. Read this list to grow and maybe find a way to let me, or your friend, or you sister, or brother know that you are sorry.
B'sha Tovar (at the right time) a very common Jewish statement and something that brings comfort to my spouse, so I don't reject it as wrong but I reject it as wrong for me.
Because the right time was when we began trying - 9 months ago (or maybe sooner). We waited until our marriage was strong and stable, our finances settled and we had money in the bank. We are both emotionally mature and kind. My partner is amazing with babies and I am ready, absolutely ready to be a mom. So in the right time, it passed, so "Bsha Tovah" just cannot bring me comfort.
It will be your turn soon - nice try - but tell me when...
It hasn’t been that long.
Its true - 9 months is not considered abnormal, but its still a painfully long time, especially when you don’t know how much longer it will be.
I know I am privileged that 9 months is a long time to wait for something I want. But it hurts.
Or the stories about people who stopped trying and then it happened… They didn’t stop trying - they were having sex still and probably hoping each time that they would get pregnant.. they just didn’t expect it anymore.
But the worse has been the (benefit of the doubt: unintentional) judgement:
Do you think there is an issue with your cycle?
Or if not that, can it be your partners fault?
- there is no fault...
Are you eating the right food? Are you eating enough?
Are you exercising enough? Are you exercising too much?
Try not to be stressed out, its not helping.
- of course I go there - with the self-loathing and judgement - but really? No one, unless you are my doctor or I asked, should try to come up with a reason someone else isn't conceiving... EVER!
Are you having enough sex? Thanks Mom - that one actually made me laugh... Yes Mom, we know how babies are made.
This process sucks, if you are in it be kind to yourself. Its okay that you are sad and angry and confused. You are not alone.
If someone tells you they are having a hard time: be thoughtful, considerate and kind to other people. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!! but most importantly, if someone shares with you they are struggling, they are wanting something that they cannot control, be kind, be appreciative of their strength in being vulnerable, and check in with them every once in awhile, let them know they didn't make a mistake when they shared with you, be worthy of their vulnerability. I regret some people I told and if I could do it again, there are people I wouldn’t tell again. But I am also proud I was strong enough to say I AM HAVING A HARD TIME and so grateful for the people who have been there, and so touched by the different ways people made me feel seen.
I know people will read this and see their words in some way. That is okay. I forgive you and I love you, thats why I asked you to be there for me. Please try again.
