Something that comes up frequently for my clients and in my
personal life is how friends engage in consent. I do not mean consent regarding
sexual advance. Of course, that comes up regularly in my work, but I mean the
expectations of friends (or even those friendlies) for emotional labor.
People's expectations are often inappropriate, unfair, and straight up
non-consensual.
The clients I see are resilient and brave survivors of
sexual violence. They have learned to cope with unimaginable pain and hardship.
As a consequence of their trauma, many of my clients have become highly attuned
to the emotional responses and needs of others.
My clients develop this emotional attunement as a tool to ensure their
safety; by remaining conscious of and reactive to the emotional whims of those
around them, they are more prepared to identify and preempt aggressive or uncomfortable
situations. In addition to being a valuable defensive technique, this
attunement leads many survivors to be thoughtful and giving caregivers.
What often happens, though, is that survivors identify so
strongly with their caregiver identity that they feel unable to set boundaries
or say no. This can lead to compassion-fatigue or emotional drain, loss of free
time, and overburdening. On a more nefarious level, this can also result in
people taking advantage of my clients, making inappropriate or unsafe demands,
and in the worst cases re-traumatizing them through coercive or violent acts.
This struggle occurs for most people who identify as, or
simply present as, caregivers. For people who are naturally attuned to the
needs of others or are empaths by nature, the instinct and desire to give can
be a true gift. But it can also be a burden. People often take advantage of or
demand of the people in their life who are natural givers in ways that is both
inappropriate and unfair—and non-consensual.
I myself struggle with this. I am a trained therapist. I
listen, empathize and support others for a living. This is the greatest honor
and privilege of my life. I also enjoy connecting and being there for people on
a personal level. It is a wonderful thing that my profession allows me to
connect with and support people, but I am also happy to do it for free and love
being available to my friends, family, and, most importantly, my partner.
However, particularly because I do it for work, I cannot always be “on” in my
personal life. And even if I worked in a different field—NO ONE can be “on” all
the time.
Therefore, we need to be asking for consent. We need to be
checking in with friends before we ask of them, or consider and think about how
and what we are asking. We should consider the context and the person's ability
to meet our needs when we ask, and the burden or toll it may have on them to
meet our request. This does not mean we should not count on our friends for
support—especially the friends who are caregivers by nature. Caregivers like to
help, it is part of who they are, and they are good at it. However, they also
struggle with saying “no” or setting boundaries.
Consequently, it is often the responsibility of the one
seeking support to consider what they are asking for, how they are asking, and
what the impact on the supporter may be. Do you need to talk about your
struggles at that moment, is the person in a safe place (physically and
emotionally) to be there for you, etc. By considering these questions at the
outset, you can help ensure a sustainable, productive, and consensual, system of peer support.
Some tips:
1.
Think about your need: is it an emergency?
a.
If it is an emergency and you need support – say
that and ask for it.
b.
Consent and the way we engage in emergency
situation is different.
2.
Now, if it’s not an emergency:
a.
Ask—is this a good time?
b.
Check in with the person—ask permission to vent.
It is as simple as saying to someone: Are you free right now and would it be
okay if I called you to vent, or is there another time that would be better?
c.
Think about what is going on for that person; do
you know if they are going through something?
i.
Are they up for it?
ii.
Is what you are sharing something that could
further upset what they are experiencing?
3.
How might they feel if they have to say “no”
a.
Are you ensuring that they won’t feel like they let
you down?
b.
If they say no in this instance will it
challenge their perception of themselves?
4.
Have multiple resources and spread the
support—no one person can be everything for anyone.
a.
Even the most giving friend or partner has their
limit.
b.
You know what I will say: some things are simply
meant for your THERAPIST.
